MY DIGITAL SCRAPBOOK PAGES

You can see all my digital scrapbooking pages if you scroll down past the wordart. Go take a peek!
I have labeled my wordart, past and present, so now it should be easier to find. Scroll down ,it's on the left side.



JOKES and FUN stuff



... MY NAME IS MARY , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING 
ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. 

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. 

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? 

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH 
THOUGHT. 

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. 

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED 
MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL . 

YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. 

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. 

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?' 

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED. 

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. 

THEN, THAT UGLY, 

OLD, 

BALDING, 

WRINKLED FACED, 

FAT-ASSED, 

GRAY-HAIRED, 

DECREPIT

FART

ASKED, 

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH ?





-----------------------------------------------------

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!


---------------------------------------------------

During my husbands physical, his doctor asked him about his daily activity level, so he described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees." Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"


"No," I replied, "I'm just a very lousy golfer."
-----------------------------------------
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?"...... he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one in the bar answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I done in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, before you go ... What happened in Texas?"



The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
-------------------------------------------


A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.



On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the w...oman says happily.



A little while later she goes into Mc Donald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29. "The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.



He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay... How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50 ". "Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell? " The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"



"I promise I won't" she says. "I was behind you at Mc Donald's."
------------------------------------------------------------
A Texas teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his
cowboy boots. He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her
pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the
time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong
... feet."She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right
feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

The Teacher has been on sick leave with stress for the last six months.-__________
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cold beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?" 



The second nun answered, "Indeed it would sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout." 



"I can handle that without a problem." she replied as she picked up a six-pack an headed for the checkout.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. One of the nuns explained "We use beer for washing our hair, a shampoo of sort, if you will."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He looked the nun straight in the eye, said, "The curlers are on the house."---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some shoes(he is 82). We decided to grab a bite. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look at him and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the m...atter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one. In classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and slept with a parrot. I was wondering of you were my son" !!---------------------------------------

She spent the first day sadly packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down on the floor in the dining room by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp and caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She replaced the end caps on the curtain rods and cleaned up the kitchen. Then she moved out. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything from cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off poison gas, during which they had to move out for a few days. They even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her they were selling the house but did not tell the real reasons why. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea about the smell, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork for her to sign. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.
I Love Happy Endings, Don't You?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ...

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather..

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --



Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,

either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man asked a fairy to make him desirable & irresistible to all women. She turned him into a credit card.


......


......Wonders why you have to renew your Drivers license, Hunting license, Fishing license, etc......but not your MARRIAGE license??? ;) How many do you think would be renewed??
.........................................
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred seductively, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went to play golf.
.............................................




An guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a beautiful young female. He asked the trainer, "What machine in here should I use to impress that beautiful sexy thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby".
.........................

..A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ......case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.




'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.



A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.



What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.



Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'



HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..... 
............................................................................
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.



The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

...

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...



I know you are smiling.

---------------------------------------------
It's winter time in Minnesota
And the gentle breezes blow



Seventy miles an hour



At thirty-five below.







Oh, how I love Minnesota



When the snow's up to your butt



You take a breath of winter



And your nose gets frozen shut.







Yes, the weather here is wonderful



So I guess I'll hang around



I could never leave Minnesota



Cuz I'm frozen to the ground!

..............................................................................

A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY




A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.



Walking through the mall the surprised wife look up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.



She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.



The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewlery store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day.



His wife said crying, yes I remember that jewlery store.
He said, well I'm in the bar next to it.
.........................................................


A man brings 15 residents of the seniors home to a baseball game, the person in the ticket booth looks and says " you can't bring those people in here " the man says " watch this, sit nuts " all the residents sit, then the man says " clap nuts " and all the residents start clapping. Impressed the person in the ticket booth lets the man bring the residents to the baseball game and all is good till the third inning when the vendor comes by and yells " PEANUTS "

.............................................................................
.A little boy was lost in a large shopping mall while christmas shopping. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!” The cop asked, “What’s he like?” The little boy replied, “Beer and women with big boobs.”


..........................................................................




I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend,








"That's us in 10 years".



she said, "That's a mirror, you stupid shit !

------------------------------------
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest cough to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.




The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.



Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."



Life is not like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos...
cause what you do decide upon today could burn your ass tomorrow!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man walks into a pharmacy & asks for some Viagra. The cashier says, "I need some medical proof that you need it!" He replies, "Would a photo of the wife do?".
-----------------------------------
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.




"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after th...at. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."



The young man makes his purchase and leaves.



Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.



The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."



He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a PHARMACIST!!!"
-------------------------------
Mailman Last Day




It was the mailman's last day on job, after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulate him, and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box if fine cigars.

... The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the Dior by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door ( which she closed behind him ), and led him up stairs to the bedroom, where she blew his mind, with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast : eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" " Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'screw him, give him a dollar'." The blonde then said, " The breakfast was my idea."




MY SCRAPBOOK PAGES


My layouts........These are pictures of My life~~My joys~~~My
treasures~~My everything!.
Doing these pages has relieved my stress somedays, helped
heal my heart on days that I think it is going to break, but
most of all I remember My wonderful family, friends, and
life. I'm hoping that these pictures will bring some joy to
others in the years to come and they too will remember the
good times and "yes" even the not so good times!
Enjoy
mY
MY