... MY NAME IS MARY , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING
ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH
THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED
MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALDING,
WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
FART
ASKED,
"WHAT DID YOU TEACH ?
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1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!
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During my husbands physical, his doctor asked him about his daily activity level, so he described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees." Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a very lousy golfer."
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?"...... he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one in the bar answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I done in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, before you go ... What happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the w...oman says happily.
A little while later she goes into Mc Donald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29. "The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay... How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50 ". "Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell? " The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't" she says. "I was behind you at Mc Donald's."
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A Texas teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his
cowboy boots. He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her
pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the
time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong
... feet."She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right
feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
The Teacher has been on sick leave with stress for the last six months.-__________
cowboy boots. He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her
pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the
time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong
... feet."She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right
feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
The Teacher has been on sick leave with stress for the last six months.-__________
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cold beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered, "Indeed it would sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout."
"I can handle that without a problem." she replied as she picked up a six-pack an headed for the checkout.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. One of the nuns explained "We use beer for washing our hair, a shampoo of sort, if you will."Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He looked the nun straight in the eye, said, "The curlers are on the house."
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."
Life is not like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos...
cause what you do decide upon today could burn your ass tomorrow!
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Man walks into a pharmacy & asks for some Viagra. The cashier says, "I need some medical proof that you need it!" He replies, "Would a photo of the wife do?".
-----------------------------------A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after th...at. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a PHARMACIST!!!"
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Mailman Last Day
It was the mailman's last day on job, after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulate him, and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box if fine cigars.
... The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the Dior by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door ( which she closed behind him ), and led him up stairs to the bedroom, where she blew his mind, with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast : eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" " Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'screw him, give him a dollar'." The blonde then said, " The breakfast was my idea."
